You can take your craft beer...

Fuck you. Yeah you, the one sitting there nursing your 23% sour barrel aged stout that’s so loaded with hops that you’re gonna shit hops for a week. Oh, it’s a ‘craft beer’ is it? Of course, that word ‘craft’ makes it so much different and better than other beers that don’t have the word ‘craft’ affixed, doesn’t it? No, I thought not. Y’know what? You can take your craft and shove it up your arse, because I just like beer. Fuck that word and fuck you.

I’m fucking sick of it, really. Everywhere I look there’s some kind of debate about what’s ‘craft’ and what’s not. Fuck you.

I mean, I thought we’d gotten over this at least a year ago and now accept beer for what it is but evidently not.

We’ve got Brewdog banging on about the fact that craft needs an actual definition, which it doesn’t. The reason they give is that it’s basically for the drinkers but it’s not, it’s for them because they’re self-important arseholes. Now I’m not from the national office of statistics or anything but I bet 99% of drinkers at least wouldn’t give a fuck about an actual definition. Even 99% of beer geeks don’t give a fuck. We just drink what we drink. I like Blue Moon… sue me. Also, it’s insulting our intelligence a bit, saying that we basically can’t tell the difference between Blue Moon and Punk IPA but y’know what? I can tell the difference because at least Blue Moon is of consistent quality. Fuck you, Brewdog.

To be honest, I’m pretty sure that 99% of breweries don’t give a fuck whether or not they fall under the craft label. The only ones who do are the big breweries who are opening smaller ‘craft’ breweries, like Brains for example, and the reason is that ‘craft’ is the beer buzzword of 21st Century United Kingdom. Hell, even Tennents, y’know the ones who make awful lager? Well they’re opening a smaller ‘craft’ brewery with the awesome Williams Brothers brewery.

I mean, earlier today Adnams were accused of not being ‘craft’. I’m pretty sure they’re fine with that. They were called ‘average’ by someone who only has about 2 beers out of god knows how many that I’ve actually found enjoyable. Adnams are above average, and I’m sure most people will agree. That really hit a soft spot with me though as they are the brewery that got me into good beer and I won’t have anyone talk ill of them. Opinions are fair enough but y’know being bitchy because Broadside is going on cask at Mikkeller Bar in San Francisco and yours isn’t is bullshit.

But does any of this REALLY matter? Whether you enjoy Punk IPA or Blue Moon, whether it fits some cunt’s ideals of what craft is or is not, does it matter? It’s really all down to the drinker.

Something else really fucked me off recently, while I’m on a rant. I saw on twitter the other week that someone from outside of Norwich went into The Norwich Taphouse. Said person asked if they sell any cask ales… guy behind the bar says “We only sell craft beer here”. Fucking hell, if you REALLY have to use the word ‘craft’, don’t fucking limit it to keg beer. That’s just fucking unfair. There are a lot of breweries who only brew cask beer that are brewing far more superior and consistent product to a lot of these new wave breweries.

But really, it’s all beer at the end of the day. It’s a beverage that brings us all together, regardless of dispense method, who brews it, where it’s brewed or whatever. It cheers us up when we’re sad, it gives us something to talk and write about, it helps us make new friends, it’s fucking magical.

You can use the word ‘craft’ all you like, you can try to define it, but you will never take our enjoyment.

Fuck you, craft wankers.



  1. Swearing and bad language is neither big hard nor clever, young man.

  2. Nate, but I disagree with you on this. That's the beauty of a beer discussion; everyone has their own opinions and are duly entitled to them.
    Regardless of opinions, companies need to protect their brands, because at the end of the day, it's the brand that makes the money. If your 'brand' is a craft beer one, you would not want a huge, multi-national, faceless brewer bringing the 'craft beer' brand down with some cardboard tasting rubbish, that would damage people's perception of the brand.
    However, as a consumer, you might not give a monkey what it's called as long as it tastes good. That's fine, I completely agree. But as a company, you want to keep your brand stock high, so you would not want people producing knock off, sub-standard products. Champagne is an excellent example. If everyone could call sparkling wine 'Champagne', I'm pretty sure LVMH would take issue with the Tesco Value Champagne, which would probably just be fortified sparkling grape juice. 'English Wine' is wine made from grapes grown in England and vinified in England. 'British Wine' is imported grape juice from abroad that is then vinifed in Britain. Completely different, as is the quality.
    I'm not sure anyone is deliberately trying to take the 'enjoyment' out of craft beer by trying to define it, but actually trying to help the consumer in the right direction when selecting a beer. Especially in the off-trade.
    Just to be clear though, I also believe it doesn’t matter how it is dispensed, what ABV the beer is, where it is served. But to get more people buying the beer, not just ‘beer geeks’, I really believe an official definition, whether it’s called ‘craft’ or not (I don’t give a shit what it’s called) would help expand the market and help introduce people to new beer.

    1. That’s why I think people need to be educated around the product rather than the “craft beer” label. Saying we need to point out what craft beer is, is like introducing someone to a load of Champagnes and saying “These are Champagnes. They are made from grapes grown in the same region” but neglecting to tell them anything about the individual products.

    2. It doesn't just mean they are from the Champagne region, it also means they are made in the traditional method and maintain a consistent quality.
      To educate people about it, then surely it needs to be defined. The ethos of educating people on individual products is completely down to brand owners.

    3. I’ll be the first to admit that I know fuck all about Champagne, but I’m glad you got my point anyway haha!

      I don’t think we need any definitions other than styles of beer.

    4. From a brand protection perspective. I disagree. That's what opinions are for, disagreeing and agreeing with.

      I wouldn't want In-Bev to start producing a 'craft lager re-fermented with Champagne yeast' now would i.


  3. bravo! spot on, every word. glass of blue moon on a 25 degree evening at Yankee Stadium watching baseball - perfect. Pint of Broadside - a winner in a decent pub that looks after it properly.

  4. Yeah man, it's shitty when people say 'craft' and don't include cask in their use of that word. 'Craft' can be a useful catch-all phrase to quickly define what sort of pub you want to go to of an evening, but if it's good beer, it's fucking good beer, and I can't reconcile good beer needing THAT much marketing, you know? Word of mouth and that.

  5. Craft beer - brewed by wankers, for wankers. That should solve the problem.

  6. Fella you may be peeved but I stopped reading this after a couple of paragraphs due to the swearing.

    1. If you'd visited one of local Craft Beer n Kitchen places, which used to be an ordinary pub, you'd swear as well. No I don't want a Strawberry beer had brewed in an armadillo's colon etc, I want a lager & the Mrs wants a pint of decent ale. Oh yes, £1.20 for a pickled egg.

  7. Mate, you could have saved yourself loads of time by, instead of doing all that writing simply reposting this Vine:

  8. "The only ones who do are the big breweries who are opening smaller ‘craft’ breweries, like Brains for example, and the reason is that ‘craft’ is the beer buzzword of 21st Century United Kingdom."

    Well, no, the reason people like Brains are opening "craft breweries" inside their big ones is that they need to compete on the bar-top with short-run wacky beers.

  9. I'm in the I don't care what it is called camp and i don't see why the big guys can't be craft. If AB InBev turned round tomorrow and said fuck this cheap lager bollocks let's brew the best beers in the world. They could make beers better on mass than any craft brewer with to them relatively little money. If they did that then why couldn't they be called craft when craft is basically taking care and pride in brewing and make great fucking beers.


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