The REAL Reason Keg Beers Are More Expensive Than Cask Beers
Ever since the dawn of the craft beer movement there has been a single topic of conversation that never goes away. A topic that haunts every corner of the beer internet, whether it's a CAMRA forum, Twitter, craft beer Facebook groups or Reddit.
It's a conversation I no longer get involved in as there are a thousand different answers but I can tell you right now, the bullshit you're being peddled are LIES. Those answers cannot be further from the truth.
I feel bad as I've been hiding the answer for so long; I've been burying it deep within my soul and brain but I feel ready. I feel ready to tell you the truth, dear readers.
Here it is, and it will shock you to your very core. You will never be able to look at a keg tap the same way again; the craft beers you're drinking will forever taste different. They'll taste more magical, maybe, or will it ruin the illusion.
THE REAL REASON KEG BEERS ARE MORE EXPENSIVE THAN CASK:
We are taught our whole lives that the Carbon Dioxide (CO2 from this point) in our beer is a natural resource in our atmosphere. We're told that it comes from plants and rocks, y'know, photosynthesis and shit, but it's all LIES.
Dear readers, I can't tell you how I stumbled across this information as I was sword to secrecy. I was told that if I disclose my source, bad things will happen. I'm risking everything just telling you about this but I no longer care... you need to know the truth and it needs to come from me.
CO2 IS HARVESTED FROM THE MOON.
There is a company, an off-planet shell corporation whose name I cannot disclose, which is solely responsible for sending their tanker ship called "The Van Helmont" filled with beings called "Carbonians" up to the moon in order to harvest and process the fresh "KraftBierKarbon" that ends up in breweries and pubs across the world.
Honestly, readers, the process is complex and you won't quite understand due to not understanding how the "Carbonians" live and do things in life. This isn't me challenging your intelligence, it's just that some things don't need to be known. Some things are best left unknown and unheard.
I need to make it clear at this point that KraftBierKarbon is absolutely NOT the same as CO2 that is natural and comes from every day sources. It's a different thing; it's more magical, and due to the processes involved it costs a lot more money which I'm sure you can understand.
I'm sorry I had to break it to you this way, with very little in the way of an explanation but, dear readers, I felt you needed to know the truth. The truth that CO2 IS HARVESTED FROM THE MOON.
I may go quiet after giving you this information but do not fear, dear readers, I will try to stay in contact whilst evading the Carbonians. Just think of me when you take your next sip of carbonated craft beer.
this was inspired by a tweet from my good friend Katie.